


hogwartsstuck

by artisticallyThoughtless



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Homestuck
Genre: (i guess??), Dave's Bro | Beta Dirk Strider's Bad Parenting, Dirk Strider and Dave's Bro Aren't the Same Person, F/F, F/M, Humanstuck, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, almost everyone is gay, dave strider is a mess, fuck bro, there are some exceptions, this is my first fic on here so we'll see how it goes lmao
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-02
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:40:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24507829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artisticallyThoughtless/pseuds/artisticallyThoughtless
Summary: i don't really know where this story is gonna go tbh but all you need to know is that it's homestuck characters at hogwarts :)
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Jane Crocker/Roxy Lalonde (onesided), Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam, Terezi Pyrope/Dave Strider (onesided), Terezi Pyrope/Karkat Vantas (onesided), but she doesn't reciprocate, dave and karkat each have crushes on terezi
Comments: 8
Kudos: 26





	1. Dave's letter

**Author's Note:**

> just so noone's confused about everyone's houses:
> 
> Rose – 1st year Ravenclaw  
> Kanaya – 1st year Ravenclaw  
> Terezi – 1st year Ravenclaw  
> Dave – 1st year Slytherin  
> Nepeta – 1st year Slytherin  
> John – 1st year Hufflepuff  
> Jade – 1st year Gryffindor  
> Karkat – 1st year Gryffindor  
> Tavros – 1st year Gryffindor  
> Equius – 1st year Gryffindor  
> Sollux – 2nd year Ravenclaw  
> Aradia – 2nd year Slytherin  
> Eridan – 2nd year Slytherin  
> Feferi – 2nd year Hufflepuff  
> Jake – 3rd year Slytherin  
> Vriska – 3rd year Slytherin  
> Roxy – 3rd year Hufflepuff  
> Gamzee – 3rd year Hufflepuff  
> Dirk – 3rd year Gryffindor  
> Jane – 3rd year Gryffindor

A young man stands in his bedroom.

It just so happens that today, July 20th, is not this young man’s birthday.

It will also not be today that he’ll be given a name. He’s had a totally swag one since the day he was born.

It can be found scribbled inside his notebooks and as a signature on his comics.

This young man’s name is Dave Strider.

== > Be Dave

You are now Dave Strider, the coolest kid to ever walk the earth. Or whatever. Your older brother Dirk would say otherwise, as would everyone you’ve ever met, but you know that they are just trying to not let your awesomeness get to your head. It’s hard to pretend like you don’t know how awesome and amazing you are. It’s hard and no one understands. As you know, it’s June 20th. It’s not a special day to you, just your average Monday. Except it’s not an average day at all. Today is the day you’re going to get your letter. What letter you ask? Well, your Hogwarts letter, silly. Dirk got his exactly two years ago today and you’re not going to be the only one in your family who isn’t magic. 

Fuck no. Not possible. Bro would murd-

He wouldn’t. He’s awesome. The best. He just sometimes challenges you to strives on the roof and uses his magic against you, even though he sure as hell knows that you’re way too young to practice magic outside of school. And yeah, sometimes you get a bit hurt, but it’s nothing you or Dirk can’t deal with. Afterall, you’re used to it.

Whatever. 

Today you’re going to get your letter and you’ll use floo powder to get to your mom’s place in England and then you, your brother and your sisters will go to Kings Cross to take the Hogwarts Express to your new home, the Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry.

You look outside your window to see if an owl is approaching your apartment, but you can’t see any feathered animals near, safe for your loyal friends, the crows on your windowsill. 

Did they forget about you? They couldn’t have. You’re a Strider. Of course they didn’t. Do they think that you’ll go to Ilvermorny, the American school for magic? That doesn’t make any sense. Dirk got his letter too, and you’ve lived in Texas since you were two years old and he was four. 

They didn’t forget. Maybe it’s the time zones. Yeah, that’s it. Time zones. Nothing to worry about. How much is the difference? Four, five hours? Wait, you could just pester your sister and ask her what time it is for her! You’re a genius.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] 

TG: hey

TG: hey rose

TG: rose

TG: rose

TG: rose

TG: rose lalonde

TG: miss lalonde

TG: rose wtf pls answer me

TG: your favorite brother is pestering you

TG: roseeeee

TT: What do you want, Dave?

TG: rose lalonde, favorite sister of mine, would you tell me on this beautiful fucking day what the time is over in tea-land?

TT: I’m going to ignore that slightly offensive name and ask you a simple question back: Why should I tell you, dearest brother, what the time is? Is your owl late?

TG: what

TG: of course not

TG: why tf would you think that

TG: everythings fine over here nothings wrong

TG: it’s like fucking christmas over here

TG: christmas in fucking june

TG: like that one phineas and ferb episode where they make winter in summer

TG: swinter

TG: it’s fucking swinter over here

TT: Dave.

TG: what

TT: It’s okay to be nervous about your letter.

TG: i’m not

TT: …

TG: ok maybe a lil bit

TG: but that doesn’t answer my question

TG: whats the time over at yours??

TT: It is exactly 8:16pm.

TT: Which means it should be exactly 2:16pm in Texas right now.

TT: So, you still have more than enough time to get your letter. No need to worry.

TG: i’m not worrying

TG: but just asking

TG: when exactly did your letter arrive?

TG: like i’m not nervous about it

TG: i’m super chill

TG: the chilliest dude in the world

TG: you could sprinkle water on me and that shit would turn into ice the second it touches my body

TG: youd have to get it off with a crowbar bc it’s fucking frozen to my arms and legs and chest

TG: theyd call me iceboy

TG: “hey doc whats your diagnosis?”

TG: “he’s too chill. he’s way too chill.”

TG: “and also way too cool”

TG: “did i mention his coolness?”

TT: …

TT: Yeah, you are obviously very “chill” about this.

TT: For your question, my letter arrived at 3:00pm. You really don’t have to worry.

TT: Sorry, you wouldn’t have to worry, if you did.

TT: Which you so obviously don’t.

TT: Now, if you don’t have any more questions, you’ll have to excuse me.

TT: Our mother forgot to make dinner and I don’t think Roxy is in the right state of mind to try and do it herself.

TG: shit she drinking again

TG: she’s the same age as dirk right

TG: my sisters an alcoholic at thirteen

TT: She isn’t.

TT: Her best friend is having some relationship problems and is asking her how to ask out some boy.

TT: Her best friend Jane.

TT: You know, the one she’s had a crush on for the past year.

TG: shiiiit

TG: i hope she’s alright

TG: crushes suck

TG: not that ive ever had one but dirk has and it’s annoying and he usually gets hurt

TG: whatever you should go and make dinner

TG: have fun lol

TT: Ha. ha.

TT: Very funny. You are right though.

TT: Tell me when your letter arrives!

TG: i will don’t worry sis

TG: night

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] 

You turn off your laptop and sigh dramatically. Since you’re 100% chill and not nervous about the whole letter thing it’s pretty boring to wait for your owl to arrive. You could always go to your brother’s room and be annoying, but you don’t think that that’s a good idea right now. Rose mentioned that Jane was obsessing over her crush again, which means that Dirk probably isn’t in the best mood right now.

Roxy most definitely complained to him about it, be it because of some sort of gay solidarity or just because she has no one else to talk to except for her younger sister. You feel kind of bad for your brother, having to listen to his sister complain about her crush, who has a crush on his crush.

So many fucking crushes. Crush doesn’t even sound like a word anymore. 

Crush. Crush. Crush, crush, crush.

Isn’t that a song? You’re almost certain that you remember a song like this. But you can’t seem to remember the name.

Your mental journey through crush valley gets cut short by a knock on your window. It almost sounds like…

Fuck yeah! Finally!

On the outside of your window, perched on your windowsill, sits a while owl who seems to be carrying a letter in its beak.

You rush to open the window and take your letter. Then you reach inside a drawer in your desk and pull out some quality owl food. You give it to the owl, and it makes a chirping sound that you can count as a way of thanking you.

The owl flies off and you close your window behind it, but not before reaching inside your drawer again and throwing out some bird food for the crows.

You go to sit on your bed and just stare at the letter for a few seconds. It’s a white envelope with a red wax seal that shows Hogwarts’ emblem, the “H” surrounded by the four house animals. Lion, snake, badger, and eagle. It never made much sense to you why the animal for Ravenclaw is an eagle, but whatever. You are holding an actual Hogwarts letter in your hands, with your address on it.

“Mr. Dave Strider,  
Smallest room in a high-rise apartment in Houston, Texas”

Well, it’s not your exact address but apparently the owl found it just fine. Witches and wizards usually write some weird bullshit on their letters, so it must be used to it. 

Your hands shake a little as you take one of your broken swords to break the seal and open the envelope. You force them to stop shaking and take out one of the pieces of paper inside.

“Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

Dear Mr. Strider, 

We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment.  
Term begins on September 1st. We await your owl by no later than July 31st. 

Yours sincerely, 

Filius Flitwick,  
Deputy Headmaster”

Holy shit. You got in. Well, obviously you did. You’re a Strider. There’s no way you wouldn’t have gotten in.

You run to your brothers’ room to show him your letter. Fuck his romantic problems, this is a million times more important. 

You knock on the door and enter without waiting for him to acknowledge you. He spins around in his chair, looking quite startled  
.  
“What the fuck, give a guy a warning before you come bursting through his door. I could’ve been naked or worse.” That makes you snort  
.  
“Dude, what worse could you be doing? Jacking off to pictures of Jake English? Ok, that would’ve been worse. And pretty disturbing. Please tell me you haven’t jacked off to pictures of your only male friend.”

He throws some electronic device at you.

“Fuck off, I don’t jack off to pictures of Jake. I’m not a complete freak unlike you. What do you want I here anyways?”

Oh, right. You pull out your letter and hold it in front of his weird pointed shades. He raises an eyebrow behind them.

“Oh wow. They actually remembered you. I was starting to think that they had enough of Strider-bullshit and decided to not let you in.”

“Fuck you.” You punch his shoulder slightly. “And I thought that you’d be happy to see me all year round.”

Dirk’s expression turns serious. Shit, that’s not what you meant. Fuck you and your stupid mouth.

“I am. I really am. I can’t wait until I’m 17 and we can leave this fucking place.”

He takes off his shades and looks at you with his bright orange eyes. You don’t know what it is about your family and weird eye colors. Yours are a bright red while your Bro’s are orange like Dirk’s. Even Roxy and Rose have them, with Roxy’s eyes being hot pink and Rose’s purple.

It’s just another sign of how messed up your family really is.

“I know.”, you say without taking of your own shades. You never take them off, except for when you’re sleeping. And even then, they’re right next to you on your nightstand, ready to go.

Dirk slides his shades on again and turns to his desk, where his abandoned project waits to be finished.

“Go tell Rose about your letter. And don’t forget to send one back! I won’t remind you.”

Fucking liar. You know he will.

You leave his room with a tiny smile on your face. In a month you’ll be in England, buying your school equipment, and then you and your siblings will be off to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.


	2. Karkat's letter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just so noone's confused about everyone's houses:
> 
> Rose – 1st year Ravenclaw  
> Kanaya – 1st year Ravenclaw  
> Terezi – 1st year Ravenclaw  
> Dave – 1st year Slytherin  
> Nepeta – 1st year Slytherin  
> John – 1st year Hufflepuff  
> Jade – 1st year Gryffindor  
> Karkat – 1st year Gryffindor  
> Tavros – 1st year Gryffindor  
> Equius – 1st year Gryffindor  
> Sollux – 2nd year Ravenclaw  
> Aradia – 2nd year Slytherin  
> Eridan – 2nd year Slytherin  
> Feferi – 2nd year Hufflepuff  
> Jake – 3rd year Slytherin  
> Vriska – 3rd year Slytherin  
> Roxy – 3rd year Hufflepuff  
> Gamzee – 3rd year Hufflepuff  
> Dirk – 3rd year Gryffindor  
> Jane – 3rd year Gryffindor

A completely different young man stands in his own bedroom, in a different country, on a different continent.

It just so happens that today, July 20th, is also not this young man’s birthday.

And, as with the young man we met before, it will also not be today that he’ll be given a name. 

He’s had his (admittedly strange) name since his birth.

This young man’s name is Karkat Vantas.

== > Be Karkat

You are now Karkat Vantas, a grumpy kid with some anger issues. 

Unlike Dave, who you’ve never heard of, you aren’t excited or nervous at all. In fact, you don’t even know why you should be.

Like most children born into a muggle household, you’ve never heard of Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry. 

You don’t even believe in magic. What are you, a little kid??

So, when you and your family are eating lunch and you hear a knock on your window, you just assume it’s the wind. But, strangely, the knocking continues. 

“What the fuck is that”, you ask.

Your older brother Kankri gasps like a five-year-old who just heard their parents curse for the first time and begins berating you for using “Foul language, Karkat! You can’t just talk like that all the time! There could be little children nearby, or old people who don’t like cursing!”

“Do you see any little children or old people in this house?!”, you retort. “No? What a fucking coincidence! Me neither!”

Your dad sighs. “Boys, can you please stop fighting. Karkat, don’t curse so much around your brother. Kankri, he is right, there are no people in this house who could be “triggered” by any cursing.”

Kankri pouts and goes back to eating his weird mixture of tofu, vegetables and spices you can’t pronounce.

The knocking still hasn’t stopped, and your dad gets up to see what is causing the noise.

When he looks out the window, he stops for a second and just stares.

“There’s an owl on our windowsill.”

“What?” You and Kankri turn to look at your dad.

“I… I think it wants me to let it in. It has a letter.”

Before you or your brother can protest, your dad opens the window and a small brown owl flies into your house and lands on your dining table, directly in front of you.  
It opens its beak and lets a letter fall onto your plate.

When you don’t pick it up, it suddenly starts floating in front of your face, opens up like a mouth and starts to speak:

“Dear Mr. Vantas, 

We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment.

Term begins on September 1st. We await your owl by no later than July 31st. 

Since you live in a muggle (non-magic) household, an experienced witch or wizard will take you to Diagon Alley to buy your equipment on August 2nd.

Yours sincerely, 

Filius Flitwick,  
Deputy Headmaster”

Then it folds back to normal and falls down on your plate.

The owl goes to take some food off of Kankri’s plate before making a sound that kind of sounds like gagging, and instead taking some chicken nuggets from your dad’s plate. 

Then it chirps a goodbye and flies back out of your window.

Nobody says a thing for a few minutes.

What the fuck just happened. Wizards? Witchcraft? School??

Your first thought is that you got pranked by your brother, but Kankri has the sense of humor of a dead snail. Dry and sad.

You just stare at the letter lying on your chicken nuggets. You should probably lay it on the table so it doesn’t get greasy and disgusting, but you can’t even think straight right now.

Unsurprisingly it’s Kankri who breaks the silence.

“It’s offensive to act like you’re a wizard, Karkat. People could be triggered.”

Oh for fucks sake that fucking idiot.

“ARE YOU FUCKING DUMB? WHY THE ACTUAL FUCK WOULD I ACT LIKE I’M A FUCKING WIZARD? I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE!”

Your glass shatters. You don’t even touch it, it just explodes.

You and your family just stare at the shards of glass stuck in your food and all over the table. 

Finally, your dad takes a deep breath and orders you to clean up the mess and says that you’ll talk about what happened later, when everyone’s calmed down.

You just made a fucking glass explode, how the fuck does he expect you to calm down?!

_______

So, it’s been a few weeks since your whole world crashed down onto your small shoulders. 

Magic exists. You’re a wizard. You sent a fucking owl with a confirmation letter to a wizarding school and the strange woman talking to your dad in your living room is going to take you shopping for magic school supplies.

Yep. Perfectly normal. 

The woman had introduced herself as Mrs. Maryam. She’s going to take you and her daughter to a place called “Diagon Alley” which sounds like an awful pun made by a transphobic middle-aged asshole.

Her daughter, Kanaya, is… surprisingly nice if you’re honest. Sure, the way she talks is kind of weird but she seems to have made it her mission to explain every detail about your new school to you, which you are very thankful for.

“You see, during the sorting ceremony the Sorting Hat will be placed atop of your head and, after a few moments, it will announce your assigned House. There are four different Houses, namely Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, Slytherin and Gryffindor.”

“Ok, and uh, how does this hat know to which House I belong? Like, is it just random or can it read my mind?” You can’t believe you’re asking a young witch about a telepathic hat.

“Oh, I’m not entirely sure myself. Some people describe it as a voice talking to them and even giving them a choice, others get sorted the second the hat touches their heads. No-one really knows for sure how exactly it works.” She smiles apologetically, like it’s somehow her fault.

“Hm. Well shit. But like, are there any differences between the Houses?”

“Of course! Ravenclaw is for the witty and creative, the ones who try to find a solution to every problem, no matter how hard it might be. Hufflepuff stands for loyalty, the people who would do anything for their friends and don’t shy away from danger. Slytherins are cunning and sly, although not necessarily evil. They are smart and tend to let things play out in a way that benefits them. My older sister was a Slytherin actually; she graduated last year. And, last but not least, Gryffindor is the House for the brave, the fighters. They might not think before acting and are quite impulsive.”

She stops for a second to check if you’re still following and you nod quickly. She smiles a little before turning serious.

“There used to be a lot of rivalry between the Houses, especially between Slytherin and Gryffindor. You see, the most evil wizard to ever live was once a Slytherin. When his power grew, a lot of Slytherins followed him. Since then Gryffindors resented them. Even after the evil wizard supposedly died while trying to kill a little baby. Of course, this little baby ended up in Gryffindor of all places and he also had a problem with a certain Slytherin. Then the evil wizard came back, tried to kill the Gryffindor, attacked Hogwarts in a fierce battle, and was finally killed by the Gryffindor.“

You stare at Kanaya for a few moments, not knowing what to say. She seems to notice your confusion and waves her hand dismissively.

“Sorry, you will learn all about that in Wizard History. Now go get your stuff, my mother is surely waiting for us.”

And with that your life has officially reached the point of no return to normality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so karkat gets his letter lmao
> 
> i also made up a way for muggleborns to get their supplies bc how the fuck are they supposed to find diagon alley??  
> enter the dolorosa! i love her so much it's a problem :)))
> 
> btw i would've written the shopping expierience but the enitial word count on word is 1312 and that's too beautiful to mess up (ao3 tends to change it for some reason but whatever)
> 
> ((i'm also gonna edit the tags bc 1) spoilers and 2) they look like shit :)

**Author's Note:**

> EDIT: yooo i finally found out how to format pesterlogs lmao
> 
> i also changed mcgonnagal to flitwick bc i'm an idiot and forgot that our favourite gal minerva is the headmistress now whoops
> 
> btw the second chapter is almot done i just need to get the formating on ao3 right :)


End file.
